We all want to be liked, loved, accepted, appreciated, be part of something bigger and greater, and even glorified at times. The numbers of people following you matter a lot as in the end it is the sheer crowd behind you that decides how right or wrong you are.
Curse to all those rebellious reformists and so call secular pseudo-liberals and progressive thinkers. This write-up aims at socially awkward and eccentric people, bad learners like me, who try hard but can’t help but staying low profile at the end.
I sincerely hope that these big and small tips will provide some help to those who aspire our national idols like Hamza Ali Abbasi and likes.
1. Pretend religious. Remember ours is an extremely religious society. We treat even suspicion of blasphemy and anything against religion with no less than death. It is important to be religious but when it comes to fit in properly more important is to pretend properly and convince others that you are a firm believer. The best way to do it is to keep quoting from Quran and Hadith from time to time, preaching and correcting others about whatever you could, and if you are on social media by sharing those 500,000 posts from islamic pages daily along with pictures of you or your kid praying and reading Quran.
2. Be a conformist. Basically this means that you should show deep commitment with whatever has been happening in past up till now, and follow the traditions that exist in society very very passionately. Always behave in a way that is acceptable, as every society has some unwritten rules and established practices. For example weeping along if you are in a religious sermon (no matter how funny you find the situation) and chanting slogans like death to America (even if you have visa in progress) in political rallies. You just need to have a good observation and all you got to do next is copy the conventions and do exactly what most respectable and rich people do in society.
3. Don’t ask questions. Mind it as this is very important. Asking questions could be very dangerous at times. Most direct implication especially when you question your superiors or elders is that you are trying to embarrass them and this is disrespectful. In gatherings most appropriate way to behave is to keep your mouth shut and act convinced. You can even gain some attention by shouting along loudly and passionately. On social media you can check-in during events and share their words along with their pictures. And keep a separate profile for flirting with girls.
4. Respect the authority. Be it your King, Caliph, Imam; anybody with some powers to make a decision for you. You want a bright future and these are the people who can make it or destroy it. You have to show absolute submission as only submission indicate loyalty. The one in authority is always right, and it even becomes your duty automatically to preach ahead what they say and confront the traitors who don’t get convinced by official version of events. You could kill them too but it is unfortunately unlawful. If not you could start by following ISPR immediately.
5. Monologues only. Sermons in a mosque, speeches in a political gathering and lectures in classrooms are one way roads only. Your job should be to take notes and ask question at the end that compliment the speaker and his stance. Any attempt to engage in a dialogue is revolt. Dr Zakir Naik mutes mic after one question for good reasons. In mosque our tradition is to take interruptions as abuses and in political gatherings it is mutiny. Stand up when national anthem get played. If you even suspect others of being ill mannered, show your disapproval by maintaing a distance from them. On social media you can simply block and delete them.
6. Do not think. Don’t even try this even at home. Remember there are 108,000,000,000 people who have trod past you on this planet. There have been great prophets, caliphs, imams, reformists, leaders etc. in the past, even calling their names in head calls for 1 minute silence in respect, (Note: Please stop reading for 1 minute if any such name has struck you) and if you try to think for yourself, this implies that you are not convinced of their greatness and holiness. The ideas your forefathers have accepted need not be revised by you, if you are their authentic offspring. Save calories and blood sugar by not pushing those neurons in your head. This keeps you healthy too.
7. Be patriotic. Nationalism is new cool. Your country, your state, your nation, your ethnicity, your sect, your cast, your creed and your family is always right. If you are married so is your wife. The very reason that they are yours and you are born among them is the decisive and final argument and you need not bother about rest. Nationalism demands you to be proud of what is yours, memorize and sing those jingo songs along and celebrate all the events that signify something no matter how fabricated it is. Decorated I mean, not fabricated. Sorry that was a typo. I mean it.
8. Burn the traitors. Some may call them whistle blowers but how good is one who causes embarrassment by insulting the nation in the whole world. Pretend you care, in real life you could do that by nodding your head in right direction and on social media by abusing your nobel laureates and dissidents. If you see Malal’s or Sharmeen’s picture just write bitch in comments section. If you have a colour printer, print posters of Ansar Abbasi, Zaid Hamid and Oreo biscuits and stick them on your wall.
9. Be a reactionary. Remember change is always bad. From religious perspective we are approaching the dooms day and all these changes are signs and prophecies full-filled. Armageddon could be very next minute now. (You can watch Dr Shahid Masood’s End of Times if you are in doubt.) Also convince others to return to past and previous states where our society was ideal. At times you should even shed tears on lost utopian times and golden ages and curse industrialization and modernization.
10. Blame others. Remember all the bad that exists is because of those other people especially 1st world. Those other humans, other nations, other religions, etc. always conspire against you and don’t want you to progress. Tit for tat is an old universal rule so you should do the same when you get the chance. If you are Muslims you better know that Christians, Jews and all people belonging to all other religions can never be your friends. Take comfort in the fact that will burn in hell fire till eternity after death while you will mingle with 70+ virgins.
11. Take pride in your misery. When people die in natural disasters like earth quakes, blame them for being obscene and morally corrupt. If anyone tries to help them for example by vaccinating against polio, you should disclose the conspiracy. No good can ever come from others. I could also say burn your TV and radio but since Maulana Tariq Jameel and Junaid Jamshed get broadcasted now so you better not. You better listen them former cricketers who are televangelists now.
12. Despise the foreign ways and choose what is your own. Criticize the way infidels dress, their education system, their political system, their society, their events, traditions and values, while sending your children to private schools making sure that they follow the very same. Curse science but use antibiotics and anesthesia during operation to not to shit in your pants. Buy Apple and Samsung but set a nasheed as ringtone, Honda and Toyota but put an Islamic sticker at rare window, use only halal banking and money transfer, drink halal cola, and pretend you care about dying Syrian, Libyan and Burmese muslims by rebuking West for not taking in enough immigrants. But respect the Gulf states as your nephew works there who sends you money sometimes.
Talha Mahmood Sheikh
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